You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
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me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
my mom making me talk to relatives
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
We’re all getting idioter.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand