The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
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What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?