I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I am never leaving this website
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
oh my gosh!!
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush