Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me