Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”