Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
You Might Also Like
Customer is always right
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Never forget.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753