I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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This is my bus stop.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..