opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control