Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
You Might Also Like
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t