I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Wait a minute
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
December birthdays be like…
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks