Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
😬
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
When you kidnap a writer.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.