*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
New comic up. “Ransom”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*