I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that