Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
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Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I’ve had relationships like this
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?