Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Important
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said