A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Not today.. 😂
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Would you wear it?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher