Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”