My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Hard not to take this personally