one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Has there ever been a more American story?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.