how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Got ya covered
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO