Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation