*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
This is Sparta
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?