Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.