Candid photo of me, eating chips.
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mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius