Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
This is painfully accurate 😅
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome