ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email