I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
This is a sub tweet
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Children of the corn 🌽
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Cheer up.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover