Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
😲 WTF? 😆
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
incredible book dedication
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?