Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”