what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
You Might Also Like
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”