Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.