I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
going to the ER y’all need anything