me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
welcome back
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I have a new favorite meme page
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.