My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
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“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break