[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.