How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out