[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
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there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[Controversial and unpopular statement]