just witnessed a drug deal
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.