I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
uh oh
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!