Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied