I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
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I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.