“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT