I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”