Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
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Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Happy Friday
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad