Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Haha! 😂
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER