Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.