Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
everyone’s a critic
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time