*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes