I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
FRED: right
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince