[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
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Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.